Its only an hour since I heard of your passing and I still don't really understand. It hasn't registered that you are actually gone. I am experiencing so many different emotions, the most dominant is anger: why did you not listen to your body? why did you not go to the doctor? why did you not stop smoking? why were you so stubborn? Last night I wrapped your birthday present and set it on my windowsill for my mom to take home with her. I bought you some earrings, some chocolate, a big bottle of argan oil, that strawberry and aloe lipbalm that you envied of mine, and a pretty little box to keep your ciggies in (seems stupid now). You were larger than life, always had something to say and were very opinionated at the best of times, and I loved you for it. You were there for me, you understood me, you listened to me and you took me under your wing. You were the big sister I never had, never telling me what I wanted to hear, but always what I needed to hear: the truth. I feel so helpless, sitting here so far away from your family and colleagues, I wish I had the right words to comfort them, but I don't. How can you replace a Wendy-sized hole? I will miss your naughtiness, our luchtime getaways to hairshops, the Waterfront, the wool-shop, and looking for cheap clothes. I will miss your bbm's that always brightened my day, and the long chats we had about everything, and especially the recipes and food you lovingly prepared for me. You knew all my secrets, and still you you never judged me.You taught me how to knit snoods, how to become a better person, and how to be real.
I will love you always,
Tarrin
